How Childhood Shapes Our Attachment Styles

According to psychoanalyst John Bowlby and psychologist Mary Ainsworth, our early childhood experiences, particularly during infancy, significantly shape our attachment style.

How our primary caregivers met our needs as babies and toddlers forms a pattern that influences how we connect with others, especially in romantic relationships.

We all want to connect and have a secure base, but our relationships are not always healthy, and we create protective barriers.

Common attachments needs:

• To know that we are loveable (not merely loved)

• To trust a partner/close relationship/family member is going to be there in a time of need.

The Four Attachment Styles

• Secure Attachment

• Anxious Attachment

• Avoidant Attachment

• Disorganized Attachment

Each attachment style impacts various aspects of relationships, including:

• View of intimacy and togetherness

• Approach to conflict

• Attitude toward sex

• Ability to communicate needs and wishes

• Expectations from partners and relationships

Likely, if your parents were:

• Responsive and Attuned ----------------------> Secure

• Rejecting/Disengaged/Overly Intrusive ------------------> Avoidant

• Inconsistent and/or Role Reversal ------------------> Anxious

• Frightening/Threatening/Disassociated ----------------------> Disorganized

The great news is that attachment styles are maleable and can change with therapeutic work and in secure bonds.

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Secure Attachment

• Babies: Securely attached babies become distressed when their caregiver leaves but are easily comforted upon the caregiver's return.

• Children: These children see others as supportive and trustworthy and view themselves as deserving of respect.

• Adults: Securely attached adults are generally satisfied in their relationships. They value honesty, support, and independence without feeling the need to be constantly with their partner. They make up about 50% of the population but are often less visible in the dating pool due to their tendency to form lasting partnerships.

Traits of Securely Attached Adults:

• Reliable and consistent

• Collaborative decision-making

• Flexible approach to relationships

• Effective communication of relationship issues

• Willing to compromise during conflicts

• Comfortable with commitment and dependency

• Enjoys closeness and expresses feelings openly

• Avoids playing games or creating drama

Securely Attached Perspective:

"I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don't often worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close."

Anxious Attachment (Preoccupied)

• Babies: Babies with an anxious attachment style show high distress when their caregiver leaves and may display behaviors aimed at "punishing" the caregiver upon return.

• Children: These children may cling to their parents, struggle with self-confidence, and exhibit exaggerated emotional reactions. They often have trouble reading social cues, leading to social isolation and difficulties with peers.

• Adults: Anxiously attached adults often feel their partner must "complete" them. They may exhibit clinginess, demanding behaviors, and jealousy, which can push partners away.

Traits of Anxiously Attached Adults:

• Seeks excessive closeness in relationships

• Frequently expresses insecurities and fears of rejection

• Unhappy when not in a relationship

• Engages in games to maintain attention

• Struggles to communicate directly about issues

• Preoccupied with relationship dynamics

• Fearful of minor issues ruining the relationship

• Tends to have unrealistic expectations of others

Avoidant Attachment (Dismissive or Anxious-Avoidant)

• Babies: Avoidantly attached babies show minimal distress when their caregiver leaves and may ignore the caregiver upon return.

• Children: These children often struggle with building friendships and may exhibit antisocial behaviors. They tend to distance themselves to manage emotional stress, which can hinder satisfying relationships.

• Adults: In adulthood, avoidantly attached individuals highly value their independence and may distance themselves from others, especially during conflicts. They often "shut down" during arguments.

Traits of Avoidantly Attached Adults:

• Sends mixed signals about relationship needs

• Highly values independence

• Devalues their partner

• Uses emotional and physical distancing strategies

• Emphasizes rigid boundaries and rules

• Mistrusts others and fears being exploited

• Struggles to express intentions and emotions clearly

Disorganized Attachment

• Children: Disorganized attachment, identified later in development, involves a mix of avoidance and anxiety. These children may see others as sources of distress, leading to behaviors ranging from isolation to aggression.

• Adults: Adults with a disorganized attachment style often feel overwhelmed by their emotions, leading to mood swings and a fear of getting hurt. They may be both drawn to and fearful of intimacy, complicating their ability to form meaningful connections.

Traits of Disorganized Adults:

• Exhibits both avoidant and anxious characteristics

• Struggles with mood swings and emotional overwhelm

• Difficulty maintaining stable relationships

Curious about your own attachment style? Take this quiz to gain insights into your relationship patterns.

I'd love to hear your thoughts! Please share below in the comments!

Cheers!

Erika Baum

baumclinicalcounseling@gmail.com

As a Denver-based therapist, I specialize in relational and attachment trauma counseling, helping adults across Colorado heal from past emotional wounds and build strong, fulfilling relationships. I integrate spiritual principles with evidence-based techniques like EMDR to guide clients on their journey toward emotional resilience and well-being. My practice is dedicated to fostering meaningful connections and supporting clients in overcoming the challenges that impact their relationships and mental health.