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Trying to Save Everyone: The Hidden Burden of Adult Children of Alcoholics
- Erika Baum
- Mar 7
- 4 min read
Growing up in a home with an alcoholic parent often shapes a child in ways they may not fully understand until adulthood. I know this firsthand. As an adult child of an alcoholic (ACOA), I’ve struggled deeply with an overwhelming sense of responsibility—feeling like I have to be present to prevent something bad from happening, as if my vigilance alone could stop a crisis.
One of the most profound struggles ACOAs face is an intense form of loss aversion—a deep-seated fear of loss that can manifest in relationships, decision-making, and a near-compulsive need to prevent harm from coming to those they love. For many ACOAs, this extends beyond simply wanting to help; it becomes an internalized belief that their presence, their vigilance, or their intervention can prevent disaster, even when logic suggests otherwise. 🚨
Loss aversion—a deep-seated fear of loss that can manifest in relationships, decision-making, and a near-compulsive need to prevent harm from coming to those they love.
The Origins: Growing Up in Chaos
ACOAs often develop this belief system early in life. In a household with addiction, unpredictability and crisis can be daily occurrences. As children, they learn to anticipate problems before they happen, hyper-attuned to the moods and behaviors of their caregivers. If their alcoholic parent became volatile after drinking, they learned how to manage or diffuse situations before they escalated. If a caregiver was neglectful, they often stepped in to take care of younger siblings, sometimes even playing a parental role far beyond their years. 🏠
Through these experiences, they developed a false sense of control—the belief that if they were just careful enough, watchful enough, or “good” enough, they could prevent harm. In childhood, this belief served as a coping mechanism, a way to make sense of the chaos and exert some level of control over their environment. But in adulthood, this ingrained sense of responsibility can lead to anxiety, over-functioning in relationships, and an inability to trust in the autonomy of others. 😟
As a child, they developed a false sense of control—the belief that if they were just careful enough, watchful enough, or “good” enough, they could prevent harm.
Loss Aversion and the Need to Prevent Harm
Loss aversion, in psychological terms, is the tendency to fear losses more than we desire gains. In the case of ACOAs, this fear is magnified. Losing a loved one—either to addiction, illness, poor decisions, or simply emotional distance—can feel unbearable. Since childhood, they have associated loss with danger and with their own failure to prevent it. ⚠️
As a result, many ACOAs find themselves hyper-vigilant in relationships. They may struggle with:
Trying to control loved ones' decisions, believing they can prevent mistakes, pain, or harm. 🔄
Feeling responsible for keeping others safe, even when it’s beyond their control. 🛑
Avoiding separation or letting go, even when relationships are unhealthy. 💔
Over-functioning in caregiving roles, stepping in where they are not actually needed. 👩⚕️
For example, an ACOA might find themselves constantly checking in on a partner who struggles with health issues, feeling intense anxiety if they are not there to monitor them. They may intervene in a friend’s life decisions, believing that their guidance will prevent them from making a mistake. In extreme cases, some ACOAs even feel responsible for the survival of those around them, as though their presence alone can ward off disaster. 😰
The Emotional Toll
This deep-seated belief in preventability and control can be exhausting. The constant need to be present, to monitor, to fix—these behaviors often lead to chronic stress, burnout, and even resentment. Yet, walking away from this pattern is incredibly difficult because doing so feels synonymous with abandonment or failure. 😞
Many ACOAs also struggle with self-blame when things go wrong, carrying an unconscious belief that they “should have done more.” This can be particularly devastating when a loved one struggles with addiction, mental illness, or self-destructive behaviors. If the worst happens, they may spiral into guilt, questioning whether their absence or inaction contributed to the outcome. 😢
Healing and Letting Go of the Illusion of Control
Healing from this pattern requires deep self-awareness and a willingness to release what was never truly ours to hold. Some important steps in this process include:
Recognizing the root of the belief – Understanding that this pattern stems from childhood survival mechanisms can be the first step toward change. 🌱
Challenging the illusion of control – Reminding oneself that, no matter how present or careful they are, they cannot single-handedly prevent bad things from happening. 🚫
Learning to tolerate uncertainty – Practicing distress tolerance and allowing others to make their own choices, even when those choices feel risky. 🔄
Setting boundaries – Recognizing that being supportive does not mean being responsible.
Seeking support – Therapy, support groups, and trusted relationships can help ACOAs process and reframe their fears around loss and control. 🤝
Finding Support in Your Healing Journey
The weight of responsibility carried by adult children of alcoholics is heavy. The deep-seated need to prevent harm isn’t just about fear—it’s about survival, a pattern learned in childhood that now plays out in adulthood in ways that can be deeply exhausting. But you don’t have to carry it alone.
If you see yourself in these patterns and want to work toward healing, I’d love to help. As a therapist in Colorado, I support adult children of alcoholics in breaking free from these burdens, learning to trust themselves, and building healthier relationships. If you're in the Denver area or anywhere in Colorado, I invite you to reach out. Together, we can work toward a life that is lighter, freer, and no longer weighed down by the past. 💛
Written by:
Erika Baum, M.A. Clinical Mental Health Counseling, LPCC, NCC
EMDR-Trained
Denver, Castle Rock, Englewood, Colorado
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